Hello friends, as yet another public figure has been accused of sexual assault, I’ve been seeing a lot of posts and comments asking the same questions that always follow these allegations:
“Why didn’t she report the assault when it happened?” “How come women always wait for someone else to come forward first?” “How can we believe people who waited so long to report?” It’s puzzling to see these questions being asked time and time again, particularly when asked by other women. There have been countless articles written on why victims choose not to report sexual assault when it happens; they follow these allegations like clockwork. People fail to realize how isolating these comments can be. I’ve been wracking my brain to try and understand the mentality behind these questions, and all I’ve come up with is that the people asking are too detached from the victims to recognize and sympathize with the thought process that goes into choosing whether to report. I’ve chosen to share with you my reasons for not reporting in hopes that it will leave the people in my life who ask these questions something to think about before they start criticizing the next victim they read about. Most of you know that in December of my freshman year at college I was assaulted in the dorms and made the decision not to report the man who did it. This always seems to surprise people and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I grew up with police officers being to majority of my male role models and they assume of all people, I should be comfortable contacting the police if I need them. Maybe it’s because they remember how I used to brag about being able to throw a punch because my dad made sure I knew how to defend myself. Or maybe its just because they cannot think of any downside to reporting that makes sense to them. There are several reasons I decided to not report my assault. First, I was in denial that an assault had even occurred. There was a part of my brain telling me that if I didn’t report, then maybe I hadn’t actually been assaulted. Maybe if I just buried it and refused to acknowledge it, I would be able to continue with life as it should be and forget anything traumatic even happened. I desperately wanted to ignore it and move on. Another reason I never reported him was because several of my “friends” at the time made me feel like I was overreacting. One told me that going over to his dorm was a universal sign that I wanted it. Another said that as long as I wasn’t “fully raped,” it wasn’t worth my time because no one would believe me. Now I did have other friends urging me to say something but hearing what those friends had to say made me feel like I was just going to waste peoples’ time, and I hate being an inconvenience to others. Speaking of being an inconvenience to others, here comes my worst reason (but still a valid one) for not reporting. I didn’t want to ruin that man’s life. I knew if I reported him, he would be kicked out of school, possibly arrested, and maybe even serve jail time. I wanted to believe that I didn’t have the worst character judgement in the world, and maybe he had made a mistake, or maybe I unknowingly said yes to something he hadn’t even asked. At that point in time, I didn’t value myself enough as a person to see how backwards this thought process was. I no longer care about what would happen to him if I ever decide to report, because I recognize now that he made a decision that may have consequences; I did not choose to be assaulted People often don’t realize the financial cost that can come along with reporting sexual assault. Depending on the outcome of the report and whether the accused pleads guilty, you may have to pay for lawyers, take time off of work/school to attend court dates, not to mention any medical bills that may turn up, depending on how sever the attack was. While rape kits are free, other health care may not be. I didn’t have a job at the time of my assault and my parents were helping put both me and my sister through college. I was worried that if my case made it to trial, it would be too large of a financial burden for me to handle, and while I know my parents would have found a way to make it work, I didn’t think it was worth it. The last two reasons I didn’t report were shame and doubt. I was ashamed that I allowed myself to get into a situation that my parents, counselors, and high school guest speakers had all warned me about. I felt stupid and that the assault was my fault because of the choices I had made. I was ashamed that I wasn’t strong enough to tell anyone, and ashamed that I wasn’t able to tell that the first guy I trusted enough to go on a date with was actually pretty scummy. I was filled with doubt that anything would be done to help me. I was sure there was little physical evidence that he had touched me, but there was plenty to show that I had touched him. Between the cuts on my hands and his jaw, I figured if he spun the story to say that I hit him unprovoked, people would believe him. There are stories of women reporting crimes all the time only to have those taking their statements challenge their memory of the event. I doubted that anyone would really believe me. These are the reasons I chose not to report and whether they seem like valid reasons to you doesn't really matter. You don't have to agree with my choices but you should respect that they were my choices to make. Other people have other reasons to not report; they don’t want to deal with invasive questioning and medical procedures to collect evidence, their attacker is someone close to them, or they are just too scared at that point in time. Whether a victim chooses to report their assault is a completely personal choice and isn’t anyone else’s business. Circumstances change, which is why some victims come forward months, or even years later. I know I have no intentions of ever reporting my attacker because at this point it would be too mentally draining for me, however things change; maybe one day I will be ready to do that. Until then, please don’t judge me or anyone else for how they choose to handle being assaulted. People cope with trauma in different ways and reporting isn’t always the healthiest or safest option. The next time a celebrity or politician is accused of sexual assault, instead of questioning why it took their victims so long to speak up, show some empathy. I’m not saying you have to believe someone is guilty before they proven to be so, but maybe showing their potential victims the same courtesy you would want them to show you isn’t such a bad idea.
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AuthorI'm a Yooper who misses the stars. I make a pretty solid pasty and I think words are pretty spiffy. Archives
February 2019
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